Tuesday, September 25, 2007

It's going to one of those weeks you know, I guess for me it started Friday, I had a day of really missing Eijah and then knew that on Saturday that we had to return some toys to the Special Needs Toy Library in the city. They were due on the weekend that Elijah was in hospital. It was a blessing to have a couple of the staff from the toy library attend Elijah's funeral. I had rung them the week after we buried Elijah and asked about having some one come and collect the toys that we had borrowed for Elijah but never quite got back to them to arrange a specific time to arrange this. although difficult I knew it was important that I make that trip. I guess there is nothing quite that i could have done to prepare myself for how difficult this was going to be.

On saturday morning we made a list of all the things we wanted to do and then made sure we had all of the toys for the library. We couldn't find all on the pieces for the skittle set which he enojoyed so much but having moved house as well they were bound to be about the place somewhere. I searched in the garage and there among alot of things that we still have to sort and bring into the house were so many reminders of Elijah. His cot which he spent so many sleepless nights in, which he joyfully covered in pooh, and shredded so many nappies in. His old car seat which he so many times wriggle his arms out of, I lots count of the number of times i had to stop the car and restrap him in or tighten the straps so he couldn't get out and it seemed the more I tried the more he tried as well. His old stroller which we wheeled him in, in fact it was originally bought for Francesca and Elijah inherited it when he was born and Francesca had out grown it. It carried him for so many trips to the preschool, I used to put it in the car and take Elijah to preschool along with the stroller and Julie would then go and pick him up and wheel him home. There were other toys that he delighted to play with and I held some of them and cried, thinging of the many hours they delighted Elijah, and he was delighted with them. I looked high and low and we couldn't find them and so on our way we went anyway. It was another of those journeys we so often made on saturday mornings to the toy library although there was something so different about this trip, it was without our little boy and was to return some of the toys that he loved so much. We parked right outside the library and Julie and Francesca waited in the car as i took the toys into the returns desk. I told them that they were overdue and that i could not find some of the items, and that the reason why they were so late was that Elijah had died and we just hadn't got them back. My eyes filled with tears and I was overwhelmed by what what going on inside me. One of the ladies Donna who took a special interest in Elijah came and told me that i shouldn't worry about any missing pieces and any late payments, i said i just have to go, and she came with me outside. She told me that she had been thinking alot about us and Elijah and asked how we had been and I told here that our journey was one day at a time. She invited us to still come back if we felt able to borrow toys. I got back in the car and told Julie "that was pretty hard" and disolved once again in tears and we all cried. We left the library grounds and drove down the road and I pulled over and we spent some time crying. I miss my son. We went to church on Saturday night and then to a concert. A friend was in the freinds and family concert - part of a 128 member barbershop choir. One of the guests sang the Josh Groban Song " You raise me up" - we used this song along with photos of Elijah at his family vigil on the night before his funeral - Francesca observed to me during it " Daddy mummy's crying" and then " you're crying as well" As i closed my eyes I could see the pictures of Elijah that we had put together to this music. Sunday we didn't go anywhere and i just didn't want to be around people and so we stayed home, Sunday night I cried myself to sleep, I knew it was going to be a tough week.

On Friday Elijah's bed, highchair, stroller walker and car seat will be collected. They are funded by the government for Elijah's use and the time has come for them to be returned. Francesca will be moving into Elijah's room and we have bought new beds for Francesca and one for Elijah a single bed which will go into the room that Francesca is vacating. It will be a hard day on Friday I know because Monday and Today has been emotionally challenging days for me, as well as Julie and Francesca.

"Grief is the price we pay
for having loved"

Sunday, September 23, 2007

It's been a tough month since I last posted so many things happening and so many new things to come to terms with since Elijah went to be with the Lord. Just simple things like sleeping through the night and not going to sleep with one eye half open and one ear cocked awaiting to hear Elijah's distance call in the middle of the night. Elijah was almost always the first person in the house to greet me in the mornings when I rose and so I miss that as well. These are just ordinary day to day simple things that I have found hard, or just expecting him to come charging down the hallway at break neck speed grinning from ear to ear and then pulling at me to get my attention or have he lift him and cuddle him only to be wanting to be getting on with something else most often in the morning being ready to eat. there has been a strange stockpiling of bananas in the house - oh how Elijah you use to eat so many. I now try at least to eat one for Elijah's each day.

Something special happened for me on Thursday night, I was coming home from work and this night a bit later than I had before and our close friends were coming for dinner, and so not all of us were going to visit Elijah at the Cemetery as has become our custom as many days as possible. I had been to see Elijah and was driving home on the way to the supermarket. As I drove down this stretch of road my eyes were drawn to a light blue balloon making it's was across the street and then my gaze was drawn to the little boy who had just lost the balloon and could see that he had tears in his eyes and his mother was trying to calm him and explain to him that there was not a way to retrieve the balloon. I knew i had to stop and as came to a stop I could see that the balloon has gone down the bank and was just in the edge of the Avon River and was moving not fast but stying pretty close to the band of the river. The thought came into my head I've just got to get that ballon for the little boy even if it means getting wet. (at Elijah's funeral all the kids let off helium filled balloons after Elijah's casket had been lowered and the sight of this balloon same colour spured me on) I ran and climbed down and got hold of the balloon. I scramble up the bank and onto the foot path and could see the the lady in the car had her indicator on showing she was about to pull out into traffic. I wave at her and thankfully she saw me. I crossed the busy road and she was standing by her car when i reached saying" I know someone who will be happy to see you" I replied I couldn't let a little boy loose his balloon. She opened the back door and there was a little boy about 3/ 1/2 to 4 beaming from ear to ear as I handed him the balloon and he said thank you very much. I said it's my pleasure as i know what it's like for you to loose something. I shared with the little boys mum that the colour of the balloon reminded me of Elijah and that he had passed away recently and we let off the same coloured balloon at the cemetery - and I knew I had had to stop. I got back to my car and wen "YAHOOOOOOOOO!" it really made my day and left me of the sense that the spirit of Elijah was with me.

Till next time - still preparing to share some more. - Darren