On saturday morning we made a list of all the things we wanted to do and then made sure we had all of the toys for the library. We couldn't find all on the pieces for the skittle set which he enojoyed so much but having moved house as well they were bound to be about the place somewhere. I searched in the garage and there among alot of things that we still have to sort and bring into the house were so many reminders of Elijah. His cot which he spent so many sleepless nights in, which he joyfully covered in pooh, and shredded so many nappies in. His old car seat which he so many times wriggle his arms out of, I lots count of the number of times i had to stop the car and restrap him in or tighten the straps so he couldn't get out and it seemed the more I tried the more he tried as well. His old stroller which we wheeled him in, in fact it was originally bought for Francesca and Elijah inherited it when he was born and Francesca had out grown it. It carried him for so many trips to the preschool, I used to put it in the car and take Elijah to preschool along with the stroller and Julie would then go and pick him up and wheel him home. There were other toys that he delighted to play with and I held some of them and cried, thinging of the many hours they delighted Elijah, and he was delighted with them. I looked high and low and we couldn't find them and so on our way we went anyway. It was another of those journeys we so often made on saturday mornings to the toy library although there was something so different about this trip, it was without our little boy and was to return some of the toys that he loved so much. We parked right outside the library and Julie and Francesca waited in the car as i took the toys into the returns desk. I told them that they were overdue and that i could not find some of the items, and that the reason why they were so late was that Elijah had died and we just hadn't got them back. My eyes filled with tears and I was overwhelmed by what what going on inside me. One of the ladies Donna who took a special interest in Elijah came and told me that i shouldn't worry about any missing pieces and any late payments, i said i just have to go, and she came with me outside. She told me that she had been thinking alot about us and Elijah and asked how we had been and I told here that our journey was one day at a time. She invited us to still come back if we felt able to borrow toys. I got back in the car and told Julie "that was pretty hard" and disolved once again in tears and we all cried. We left the library grounds and drove down the road and I pulled over and we spent some time crying. I miss my son. We went to church on Saturday night and then to a concert. A friend was in the freinds and family concert - part of a 128 member barbershop choir. One of the guests sang the Josh Groban Song " You raise me up" - we used this song along with photos of Elijah at his family vigil on the night before his funeral - Francesca observed to me during it " Daddy mummy's crying" and then " you're crying as well" As i closed my eyes I could see the pictures of Elijah that we had put together to this music. Sunday we didn't go anywhere and i just didn't want to be around people and so we stayed home, Sunday night I cried myself to sleep, I knew it was going to be a tough week.
On Friday Elijah's bed, highchair, stroller walker and car seat will be collected. They are funded by the government for Elijah's use and the time has come for them to be returned. Francesca will be moving into Elijah's room and we have bought new beds for Francesca and one for Elijah a single bed which will go into the room that Francesca is vacating. It will be a hard day on Friday I know because Monday and Today has been emotionally challenging days for me, as well as Julie and Francesca.
"Grief is the price we pay
for having loved"