Monday, October 01, 2007

Well Friday went ok for us as a family, although it was a full on day. Julie Francesca and I went to see a counsellor who we have been seeing for a couple of weeks. She is from Catholic social services, Julie has spent some time with her before around the whole area of grief after Elijah was diagnose with Angelman Syndrome. The appointment was just after lunch and we had been told by the courier company that they would be around to collect Elijah's things after 2. So I dropped Julie at the mall and took Francesca and headed for home. 2 o'clock came and went and so close to about 3 I decided I couldn't wait any longer and so i hunted for an elm key and began to dismantle Elijah's bed myself. I started on it but found that the slats and the mechanism underneath it that was used for lifting up the bed was to heavy to be able to lift out on my own. I called a Friend who is a teacher but who was on holiday because it's school holidays to come and help me. At the same time our close friend Andrea arrived at the house. Robert and Andrea helped me with the taking apart. The good thing about this is that I was here when they put it up and so knew at least how it should come apart. I guess it was a bit like driving Elijah to the vigil and the church and to the cemetery it was something that I would have preferred to do, something personal for me as Elijah's dad, an act of service for my son. It was not until after 4pm that the truck turned up to pick up the things, by then Julie has come home. The three men who cam quietly took the bed an Elijah's high chair, stroller, walker and car seat and in a short time they were gone, this was the leting go of these things. I guess we had been preparing ourselves most of the week and so when it came the day it wasn't as difficult as first expected. We moved Francesca into Elijah's room and moved the large photo that we have of Elijah from his room to the lounge. He is never far away but sometimes not close enough. I do miss hugging him and seeing him in the flesh each day, although I visit the cemetery each day it's still not the same. People say the pain will lessen over time - I trust that this is the case - by it is very real now, and really quite indescribably. All I want at the moment is my son alive and well, but I know this is beyond my grasp. Julie was folding some Elijah's clothes to put in a large plastic container to go in the Elijah room. I stopped and picked up one of the helmets that were made for him to where so he did not hurt himself if he experienced seizures - I found myself feeling angry - it's not *(&(* fair I found myself saying and found both the pain and the tears welling up. Julie moves to comfort me but I just needed the space. The Bible says - though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I fear now illl for with your rod and staff you comfort me. The emphasis is mine in this passage and is important and i take comfort in these words they are not static words - I remind myself that it is a journey filled with pain and suffering yes, but a journey none the less

No comments: